Update from 4/29/22

 Since my last post, I've decided to try a hands-off approach to this story. What I mean by this is that I won't force myself to write if I don't feel inspired. It takes the fun out of writing and ultimately promotes the critical critic while writing.

I also had someone look at what I had so far and, hearing that it wasn't as bad as I had made it sound, helped me feel more confident about continuing the story. I made a couple edits to what I had based on the feedback I received and then, the next day, I spent several hours not only writing the story but coming up with the perfect playlist for it. 

I don't know about other writers, but I have to listen to music while I write and it has to be music that fits the vibe of what I'm writing. Listening to music that doesn't fit in with what I'm writing often slows my progress and makes it difficult to feel inspired. Whereas, the right music can make the words flow out and ideas can light up without searching for them. My playlist currently has thirty-six songs on it so I definitely could expand it further but it's at least enough to make writing a breeze.

 After having the playlist made and a productive writing session, I then had another productive writing session. I wrote until I was too tired to write anymore. I haven't done this in a long time. And both of these writing sessions have been fun. I'm trying not to think about my thoughts on the quality of the writing, my brain wanting to doubt that any of it is good since I'm writing quickly. However, I think that's something for me to worry more about when I edit.

As it stands, I'm currently at 7,054 words now and I'm nowhere near done with the story. Maybe I'll have a full length novel this time!

Confidence

At the end of last month, I got an interesting idea for a novel that I wanted to pursue. My progress is slow, having only reached 2,379 words over the course of a couple weeks. In the past, I could write that in a day. I thought about why this is the case, and my conclusion is a lack of confidence in what I'm writing.

When I was younger, I felt that my writing was the best in the world. I would fill up my notebooks with novels* and would write anytime, anywhere. My hands couldn't write my words fast enough and the side of my hand would be black with lead or ink (shoutout to fellow lefties). And when I was given a laptop from my school to complete my work on, I couldn't help but use Word to type faster than my hands could write. I only questioned my writing quality whenever I'd edit. Even then, I didn't see so many problems that I lost confidence in how I wrote.

But as I'm writing this project, I can't help but be critical at every turn. Dialogue has never been my strength and I'm reminded of that with this current work. The dialogue is odd and unrealistic. And my character interactions are even stranger. This critical thinking on the first draft is a detriment to my progress.

First drafts are meant to be horrible. They need to be horrible because it provides more insight into what the story needs to become something amazing. Yet I dislike producing low quality work, no matter what stage I'm at. I feel like my work has to be perfect from the beginning or else it can never be amazing. Being confronted by my weaknesses is unsettling. However, I need to remind myself that it's okay if my dialogue sucks and my characters' interactions are strange. These are aspects of my writing that are easier to fix when I've established the rest of my story and can focus more of my attention on them. Plus, it will be fun to look back on this draft and see how much progress I've made in the future.

Don't let your inner critic tear you down, whatever projects you're working on. Progress can't exist without making mistakes or struggles.

*They were the length of short stories and not novels, but I didn't know that then.

Unrealistic Expectations

I don’t know if this is common among writers, but I’ve had unrealistic expectations about what becoming an author would be like since I was ten years old. I’m not sure why but I thought that age 16 was practically adulthood. As such, I thought I’d be in college (due to a miscalculation of how many years I had left in grade school compared to how old I was) and that I’d have my first novel published, which would quickly receive global acclaim.

As I got older, instead of realizing that 16 is not adulthood or that I wasn’t close to publishing a book up to my standards, I kept putting more pressure on this idea. Next thing I knew, I was a couple weeks from turning 16 and I realized that I had nothing published, nor was I finished writing anything. I wasn’t going to meet this lofty goal that I had for myself. I didn’t realize that it wasn’t realistic for me, and I didn’t think that I would be published someday. Instead, I ended up with an existential crisis.

I wondered what I, a fifteen-year-old, had been doing with my life up until that moment. What was my life’s purpose if I wasn’t close to making my dreams a reality? Was all that time I spent writing just wasted moments when I should’ve done something else? Could I call myself an author if I still wasn’t published?

I tried to write my novel quicker, expecting to finish it and send it out to at least prove that all those moments weren’t wasted. I ended up not finishing the novel before I turned 16 and I remember crying the night before my birthday, thinking that I was a failure.

It took a while, but I did eventually realize that most people don’t publish a book until they’re much older and that I was still in a place of learning my craft. It was okay for me to take my writing slowly, because I’d be happier with what I’d produce when everything was finished. And I could still publish my book young. However, even though I reframed my thoughts, part of what made me feel better was adding the goal of publishing a book before graduating from college.

Suffice it to say that this didn’t happen either which sparked another existential crisis in my final semester in 2020. The end of college is often stressful for people and leaves many wondering what they’re going to do without added expectations from their youth. And my younger self certainly didn’t anticipate that a pandemic would further make these questions stand out.

I’m still not completely sure what I’m doing but I do know that I want to be published someday and that writing is what I want to pursue. And, this time, I didn’t set a goal for when all this will happen for me. Of course, I have hopes that I’ll be published in the near future, but I also understand that many circumstances have to line up before that is possible.

The truth is, it really doesn’t matter what age someone is when they’re published. It’s a truth that has been difficult for me to accept, thinking that I have to be published as soon as possible for anyone to think my work is remarkable. Looking back, if I had finished my novel before I turned 16, I doubt it would have been published. My writing, while decent for someone my age, definitely wasn’t where it is now, and I think I would’ve been embarrassed by it down the line.

The most important thing is whether I like what I’m writing. And I like my work better nowadays in comparison to high school or college. I think that puts me in a better place to handle the publishing world and do what I need to in order to fulfill this dream.

Hello in 2022

There are many challenges I face before me on this path I've chosen. And while it's true that I could choose to go down a different road, it too would have challenges...ones that I'd possibly have a harder time moving past since I wouldn't be moving toward something I'm passionate about.

Of course, becoming a published author is full of uncertainty. Many times, I've questioned if this is what I want. But any time I strayed from writing, I learned just how much it is a part of me. I want nothing more to see my stories tangible and enjoyed by readers.

Two years ago, I wrote that I was unsure where this blog would go because I was no longer a writer in college. It took a while, but I realized that I'm not done here yet. I have another journey in front of me and I'd like to take you with me once again.

I'll see you soon!

-The Magical Blue Dragon